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Posted March 21, 2026 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
In her February 1, 2026, op-ed article in the New York Times, “My Patient Was Dying. His Wife Refused to Accept It,” pulmonary and critical care physician Daniela J. Lamas explained why so many inpatient doctors and nurses call the family members of their hospitalized patients “difficult.” She wrote:
“Difficult families ask questions in an accusatory tone and are not satisfied with our answers. They demand updates at a frequency that we find excessive, they interrogate the nurses, they make choices that we find objectionable.… They are considered unreasonable.”
Whether family members are “unreasonable” is a matter of perspective, of course. For family members of hospitalized patients, especially those in the intensive care unit who are acutely ill, asking lots of questions and advocating vociferously for their relatives are the only ways they may know to help them during dire medical emergencies. Doctors should understand that, those family members would say. No wonder, then, that Lamas’ article sparked a flurry of mostly angry letters to the editor from readers.
Their strong sentiments did not surprise us. In the 30 years we have provided psychotherapy to family caregivers, we have heard many of them complain about disappointing interactions with rushed physicians who seemed bothered to be spending time talking with them about their hospitalized parents and spouses. Caregivers have told us that physicians sometimes use confusing and off-putting technical language when offering medical explanations. They have said that doctors could be unempathetic, impatient, and even judgmental while waiting for family members to make important treatment decisions on their relatives’ behalf.
As a family caregiver for a relative in the hospital, you can do little to change how hospital physicians communicate or behave. You can only try to take steps to improve your encounters with them. Here are some general principles for better interactions:
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Julia L. Mayer, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Media, Pennsylvania. Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist, family therapist, and a Principal for Health Management Associates.
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The best way to begin something new—in love, work, and life.
Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.