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Updated May 21, 2025 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
The other day, I received a slew of pictures from Josy, my autistic son Nat’s caregiver. The group home housemates had gone to visit a quarry to look at the graffiti and do an Earth Day cleanup. I smiled when I saw the one of Nat standing on a sloped wooded hill, next to a looming wall of gray rock, which was covered with graffiti, because he had an animated look on his face. Josie told me he really enjoyed the outing because he seemed fascinated by the letters, colors, and shapes. “Once we started walking, he noticed the graffiti on the floor and just kept looking,” she texted me.
Nat is not easily engaged by things other people find interesting, so this reaction was very special, and Josy, who knows him well, understood that. And when he is interested, it is so gratifying, especially when he shares it with you. Josy then told me, “We walked around the pathway to see rocks full of graffiti, and he stood there again looking at it and just following the paintings, and then out of nowhere he said ‘Josy picture.’ And he had a big smile, and I took it, and I showed him the picture, and he just smiled.”
Nat’s simple and direct way of communicating is what I live for. This is because he does not interact easily or often, and he only rarely offers observations or asks questions. Nat is a quiet man, although he does very frequently talk to himself in what sounds like a made-up language. When this so-called behavior first emerged, at age five, my feeling was, “What fresh hell is this?” Autism was hard enough; now he was losing speech?
Over the years, I have come to see this self-talk not as nonsense or gibberish; it is strings of words stretched out or truncated and repeated so that no one else can tell what he’s saying. I have learned to listen deeply to these words to see if I can pick out any familiar syllables or sounds. Then I can figure out what he’s talking about, and I get a window into his experience. The pleasure I get from successfully pinning down Nat’s thoughts is something that parents of neurotypical kids may never experience. Each word I can detect from Nat is like spotting the first flower of spring poking up from the muddy winter ground.
Aside from what I get out of it, Nat’s self-talk serves many purposes for him. On most days, he clearly derives pleasure from it; while he engages in it, he might flash a brief smile. It gives him something to think about.
If he is not feeling happy, his self-talk has a different purpose: advocacy. The sounds have a quieter, tighter quality to them. They lack the usual humor and are more urgent. I feel it before I hear it; I am that attuned to it. At those times, he will repeat the same things more—a sound or a word—and the panicky repetition filters right into my stomach. I become alarmed from decades of experiencing Nat spiraling into a loud and distressing outburst. Sometimes he will hurt himself, other times he might hurt someone else, although that is rare now. So when I hear this type of self-talk, I pay attention immediately.
In those tense times, I’ve learned to ask him for one word. If he can manage to utter one clear word that I can understand, I can help him — like the day in March when he was upset while at the group home and asked the staff person to call me. This in itself is a huge victory because it means he is advocating for himself, he is showing that he does not need to escalate in order to get help. I asked him very quietly and coaxingly to tell me one word about what he wants. “April,” he said. And I knew immediately that he was worried about something on the calendar. He may have noticed something about the way people were talking or not talking about the month, and he had become confused about his upcoming weeks. Knowing Nat the way I do, I figured out pretty quickly that he wanted to make sure that April was starting during the week, and April for Nat means Passover. Nat loves Passover, therefore, if something was wrong with the month, it might mean Passover wouldn’t be happening.
Once I determined that he was thinking about the upcoming month, I could then start to help. I gently say, “Nat,” which gets his attention. I wait to make sure he is with me. Then I say, “Are you thinking about April?” More waiting. I have to be prepared to wait long, long moments for an answer. It is either because he has a processing disorder or because he has learned that people throw words at him and usually don’t really expect a response, or they give up. I hate that.
Sometimes I think Nat invented his self-talk to protect himself from other people’s intrusions. An unexpected question can throw him off and, coupled with the other person’s impatience, he might find himself feeling pretty bad. Who wants that? Self-talk functions as a buffer for him, and maybe it also makes him feel a little proud that he’s got his own language that others can’t access. For someone who experiences a lot of confusion in the world of other people, maybe the self-talk is a way of getting even.
Nat has created his own mystique, and many who meet him really want to connect with him. His sudden smile makes you feel special. You want more. The self-talk is much more of a challenge, and many give up. But the truly special people are the ones who are willing to wait, and listen, for as long as it takes, to get that one key word. Or in the marvelous case of the graffiti, two wonderful words, “Josy picture.” Better than a Shakespearean sonnet.
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Susan Senator is the author of numerous autism books, including the Tenth Anniversary Edition of Autism Adulthood: Insights and Creative Strategies for a Fulfilling Life, out November 2025.
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The best way to begin something new—in love, work, and life.
Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.