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Posted June 18, 2026 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Avery and Jordan had been together for eight years. They rarely fought, enjoyed many of the same routines, and had built a life together that felt dependable and secure.
Avery worked for a nonprofit organization and was known for being thoughtful, compassionate, and deeply committed to social justice. Jordan owned a neighborhood café and loved the rhythm of serving familiar customers each week. Although their careers were very different, they shared similar values and appreciated the life they built together.
For years, their relationship felt secure and stable. They knew each other’s habits, anticipated each other’s needs, and moved through life with a comfortable sense of partnership. Neither felt a strong need to reinvent themselves or the relationship.
Then things began to change. Avery was selected for a year-long leadership development program through work. What began as a professional opportunity soon became something much larger. New friendships developed, new interests emerged, and Avery became more confident and increasingly excited about possibilities that had never seemed realistic before.
Jordan was proud of Avery and genuinely wanted them to succeed. At first, the changes felt positive. Over time, however, Jordan began noticing an uncomfortable feeling they could not quite name. The relationship was not in crisis, but it no longer felt quite the same.
The tension did not develop because Avery was doing anything wrong. The leadership program required evening meetings, occasional travel, and projects that introduced Avery to new people and opportunities. Avery returned home energized by conversations about leadership, career development, and future possibilities.
Jordan remained supportive. Yet beneath that support, a growing sense of unease quietly took hold. Thursday evenings, once reserved for dinner together, were now spent with Avery’s cohort. Weekends increasingly included conferences or networking events. Conversations that once centered on shared plans gradually focused on opportunities Jordan had little connection to.
The turning point came during a discussion about a conference Avery hoped to attend the following year. As Avery enthusiastically described the opportunity, Jordan realized they were not upset about the conference itself. They were struggling with growing insecurity about where they fit into Avery’s changing life.
For months, Jordan had felt as though they were watching Avery’s transformation from the sidelines. They began wondering whether they were still building a future together or whether Avery was creating a future that Jordan was simply expected to fit into afterward.
Avery experienced the situation very differently. They saw the leadership program as an exciting period of personal and professional growth. Jordan’s encouragement reassured them that everything was fine. The possibility that Avery’s growth might also be creating distance between them had barely crossed their mind.
In Love. Crash. Rebuild., rupture often develops when partners attach different meanings to the same experience. One partner experiences growth as opportunity and expansion. The other experiences those same changes as uncertainty and potential loss. Neither perspective is wrong. Problems emerge when those experiences remain unspoken and unexplored.
Pause
Jordan stopped focusing on the individual changes and began paying attention to the emotions underneath them. They realized the issue was not the Thursday meetings, the conferences, or the new friendships. The real issue was fear.
Jordan was afraid of losing their place in Avery’s life—and perhaps losing Avery altogether.
As Jordan finally gave voice to those fears, Avery listened without interrupting or becoming defensive. For the first time, Avery realized they had been so energized by new opportunities that they had not fully appreciated how quickly everything had changed from Jordan’s perspective.
Pause helped them move beyond arguments about schedules and begin talking about what was happening emotionally beneath those disagreements.
Accountability
Jordan acknowledged that fear had gradually begun showing up as criticism and skepticism. Rather than admitting they felt left behind, they questioned Avery’s priorities and wondered whether the leadership program had become more important than their relationship.
Avery acknowledged that many decisions had gradually become announcements rather than conversations. They had never intended to exclude Jordan, but they could see how often Jordan learned about new commitments only after plans had already been made.
Neither partner intended to hurt the other. Both were responding to uncertainty in ways that unintentionally created more distance between them.
Collaboration
As their conversations became more honest, Avery and Jordan began discussing how personal growth and relationship growth could happen together.
Jordan clarified that they did not want Avery to stop growing. They simply wanted to feel included in the journey rather than watching it unfold from the sidelines.
Avery explained that the leadership program had awakened parts of themselves that had been dormant for years. The excitement was genuine, but so was their commitment to the relationship.
Instead of asking whether growth or connection should come first, they began asking how they could intentionally protect both.
Experiment
They agreed to create regular opportunities to talk about future goals, personal development, and how those changes were affecting their relationship. Rather than assuming they shared the same vision, they became more curious about each other’s evolving hopes, fears, and expectations.
They also reintroduced rituals that had quietly disappeared over the previous year. A weekly dinner became protected time together. Weekend mornings were reserved for uninterrupted conversation before other commitments took over.
The changes were small, but they created more opportunities to stay connected while Avery continued growing.
Reset
Over time, Jordan stopped experiencing Avery’s growth as a threat, and Avery stopped assuming Jordan’s encouragement meant everything was fine.
Both partners developed greater confidence that their relationship could adapt to change rather than be threatened by it. By returning to the PACER process whenever new challenges emerged, they discovered that personal growth did not have to pull them apart. It became something they could navigate together.
Many couples assume relationships become unstable when partners stop changing. In reality, just as much tension can emerge when one partner begins growing in ways the relationship has not yet learned to accommodate.
Personal growth often changes routines, priorities, friendships, and future goals. Without intentional conversations, those changes can quietly create insecurity, even in strong, loving relationships.
The PACER process helps couples recognize that growth itself is rarely the problem. The challenge is helping the relationship adapt alongside the people within it.
Healthy relationships are not built by resisting change. They are strengthened when both partners approach change with trust, curiosity, collaboration, and a willingness to engage in repair whenever growth creates unexpected distance.
References
Borg, M. B., Jr., & Miyamoto-Borg, H. (2025). Love. Crash. Rebuild.: Alternatives to distance, destruction, and divorce. Las Vegas, NV: Central Recovery Press. https://www.centralrecoverypress.com/product/love-crash-rebuild
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Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D., is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, and author of Don’t Be a Dick and the Irrelationship series. Co-author of Love. Crash. Rebuild., focusing on conflict, repair, and resilience.
Haruna Miyamoto-Borg, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in work with couples, families, and individuals. Co-author of Love. Crash. Rebuild., focusing on conflict, repair, and resilience.
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The best way to begin something new—in love, work, and life.
Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.